Jokes

Dear Pa & Ma:

Am well, Hope you are to. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings. Like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee.

Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move.

And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.

All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get onto this setup & come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

A new soldier was posted guard at the gate to the American Base in Iraq. His orders were clear: All vehicles had to stop to show ID unless it had a special placard on the dashboard inside the windshield.

A black SUV came up with a general seated in the back.  The car did not immediately stop, intending to drive through the gate area.

The sentry yelled at the drive to stop, almost getting run over as he jumped in front of the car.

The driver, a corporal, said, "I've got General Wheeler in the back."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. Since you don't have a sign on your dashboard, I have to see some ID."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without showing ID."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a oman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you did not see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he did not see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Soon afterwards, the son starts grumbling because now he can't cuss in her presence. The lady then turns to the three of them and says, "Listen, boys, I don't care what the three of you do or say out here. Go ahead, cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever, just don't try to coach me on my game."

She then proceeds to tee off.

All eyes are on her butt she bends over to place the ball on the tee. She then knocks the hell out of the ball, right up the middle of the fairway. She continues to amaze the three guys, shooting for at least par on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, she has a 12 foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "I want to thank you guys for not trying to coach my games. But, I have never shot par before and I want your opinions on this putt. If any of your opinions help me make par, then I'll give each of you a night of hot sex that you'll never forget."

The son jumps at the thought. He strolls onto the green, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go into the cup."

Then, the father says, "Don't listen to the youngster. Aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole, and fall into the cup."

The grandfather looks at the both of them in disgust. He walks over to her ball on the green, picks it up, and says, "To hell with the putt, that's a Gimme."

The guy responded, "What do you think? I’m in hell!"

"Hell’s not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You’re already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that’s awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you’re dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don’t mean . ."

"That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares!"

"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays."

"Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"

"But sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100!"

"I don't care", she says "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.

"Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?" she asks.

"Please forgive me, sweetheart." he says.

"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.

The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."

A young Black man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You''ll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year."

The Black man said, "You''re bullshitting me man!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

A man and his wife were enjoying a leisurely day at the beach near Cape Canaveral. As they were swimming in the surf a shark suddenly appeared out of nowhere, grabbed the wife and took her under. The husband scrambled to shore and called the lifeguards but there was no trace of his wife.

The following day the husband answered the motel door and was greeted by two grim-faced policemen.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Smith, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you
want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Smith said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body about 2 miles offshore."
"Oh my god! said Mr. Smith, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"
"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a half dozen good size stone crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" he asked.
And the cop replied: "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"

A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye.
"Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out "I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh" and so she sucker-punched me!"
The man continues, "What's your story?"
The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties," but I accidentally said, "You ruined my life you stupid bitch."

Gail lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit; looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's Standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father,

I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "Aye, That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask,

Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"